sometimes yes, sometimes no

as many of you know, i have been essentially single-parenting for the last few months. as is so often the case, one never knows what one can handle until faced with the challenge. then, that thing that you always thought, "how do people do that?" becomes something that you just do because, well, because you don't really have another viable option.

and others act as though you have done something noteworthy. you know what i'm talking it about. it's that reaction you have when someone tells you they teach middle school: "oh wow. it takes a special person." or, "bless your heart." or, "well at least they don't drug test." and so it goes with my short and extremely supported stint at single parenting.

when people ask me how it's going i almost always say something to the effect of, "oh gosh, i can't complain. i've had so much help this might be easier than before jesse moved." and i'm not lying. i've had tons of help. between the five grandparents, the full time day care, and the emotional and financial support of my spouse albeit from a distance, i really can't say that i know what it's like to be a single parent. but then every once in a while something happens and you really need another person.

tonight i tried desperately to administer an inhaler with a mask to my near one-year-old. the doctor made it sound so easy. put the mask over his mouth and nose, one squirt, four breaths, one more squirt, four more breaths, every four to six hours.... there's just nothing like having a full fledged fight with a one-year-old. you will lose, and you will lose on so many levels.

in the end*, i waited until david fell asleep in my bed, administered the inhaler (one squirt, four breaths, one more squirt, four more breaths), and felt victorious. to hell with every four to six hours. i can't think that far in the future - i did it once, and i'm riding the wave.

but dang, i really miss jesse. and for all the "oh gosh, i can't complain" i share with people, i thought it appropriate to note that sometimes this really sucks.

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if you can handle a lot of cussing, here's a video of another adult who made the mistake of a big fight with a little person. seriously, it's worth the six minutes...

* so that is how the story ended, but between the inhaler fight and the victory i did call poison control becasue i looked over at david (who was laying in my bed with me, but i was playing sudoku on my phone and not paying attention - yep. i'll be sure to add that to my mom-of-the-year application) and realized that he was gnawing away at the paint on his stainless steel water bottle. as it turns out, this is no big deal, but i didn't know that at the time, so i stayed calm, texted a friend, and called poison control.

knit a square: a public service announcement

  

my friend gail tarver told me about this. it's really simple: you knit or crochet an 8x8 inch square and send it on to canada where your squares join others, are sewn together in blankets, and shipped to south africa where they are given to children who have been orphaned by the aids virus.

a good cause and easy enough. a nice way to use up some leftover yarn or give your hands something to do while you decide on your next project. or at least that's how it worked for me.

for more information, click here. 

squares can be shipped to 

Laurie Fortier
Hands with Hearts
3022, de la Rochelle
Québec, Québec
G1W 2B2
Canada

xoxo,

helen

p.s. david says hi and let's play! :-) 

craft it (in no particular direction)

first things first --- a huge thank you to jen boro of bring out the chef in you for my awesome bath fizz and soap! i'm darn near inspired to take a shower even though it's the weekend. (don't judge.) sadly, the cute heart shaped fizz didn't quite make it through the usps unscathed, but i am quite certain that it will spice up my next bath time just the same!!

second things second --- let's change this up. i want stuff and i want to give stuff. it's a stuffy-stuff world and i'm a stuffy-stuff girl. how about this?

• the first 5 people to comment on this blog will receive a handmade something from me.
• once received, you will be responsible for posting a pic of your new stuffy-stuff along with a link to my blog. 
• then, if the spirit moves you, you may send something handmade* back to me which i will post and link (if you're a blogger to your blog, or to facebook, or to nowhere if that suites your fancy). 
• or, if the spirit doesn't move you, just enjoy your new stuffy-stuff and be happy knowing that i loved making it for you.
• and then we are done. 

any takers?

*the handmade stuffy-stuff doesn't need to be anything fancy or big or of professional quality. just made by you with or without love (preferably with).

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in other news, david is 9 months old today! and damn cute! to prove it, here are a few pics from playtime this morning....

mom said orange pants are totally hip.

getting to know you, getting to know all about you.

who's that baby?

hey - that's me!

i'm getting sleepy

psych!

too many? sorry. just wanted to make certain you got your fill. and as a reward, enjoy our favorite hip-hop sesame street video.

wherever i go, there i am

you know how people get married thinking their partner will change? and they are always wrong? 

i thought once david started crawling (or scooting, as is the case) we would make an effort to keep the floors cleaner. turns out, that is an untruth.

sorry, buddy...

david demonstrating his mobility

the truth

the other day my mom told me a story.... once upon a time she was a young, single mother of four who had recently woken up to a robber in her bedroom. a few days later she found herself at the dentist explaining to the hygienist, "i can't floss - my house was robbed." she laughed at herself as she told the story. i can just imagine the thoughts going through the hygeinist's mind. after all, crazy lady, what does getting robbed have to do with flossing your teeth? brow furrowed quizzically, what exactly did they steal?

but i so get it. 

my life is wonderful. i am filled with gratitude and awe on a regular basis. but i get it. 

my anxiety has been through the roof lately and it seems to be getting worse. i recently found myself crying at my computer thinking about the flights i will soon be taking to d.c. i usually don't freak out about flying until i am on the plane and it's too late. this premature meltdown isn't a good sign. we went to a cabin with some friends for the weekend and i vowed, seriously, that i will never take another unmedicated trip that requires ANY mountainous driving (or passengering, as it were and always is). i know i have every reason to be a bit more stressed out these days. i am facing 4 months of single mothering followed by a move 600 miles from home. these are stressful things, but debilitating? no. they shouldn't be debilitating.

but here's the thing -- i don't want to do any work to get better. i feel like i already do enough. i see a therapist. i work out. i eat reasonably well. i have good relationships. my mental health should be fine. i don't want to do anything more. 

what do i want? i want drugs. i want something magical to fix me. i want to be a normal person and let things go. my aforementioned therapist likes to offer suggestions - have you considered meditation? do you want to try tapping therapy? you can do yoga on the plane. take a deep breath - how does that make your body feel? there's a website you can go to to learn about blah blah blah. but i just don't want to. i'm not saying i won't, but damn if it doesn't feel good to just admit that right now, i'm just not willing.

so i get it. your house was robbed - you can't floss your teeth.

but my mom still brushed her teeth. i bet she brushed twice everyday. she didn't give up completely and neither will i.

as my husband says, the good thing about parenting is that you only have to do it one day at a time. when i look at the whole picture, it's just too much. but when i look at today, well, i can do today. i can even like most of today. so as unwilling as i am to do any "work" on myself, i am totally willing to do all the things that today requires and i am even willing to enjoy a good portion of them. 

but i'm not going to floss.

and speaking of teeth, this little guy has FOUR!!!

a quickie...

ok. ok. so i know we're barely beyond new year's day, but if there was one thing i learned from christmas it's that you really can't start hand-making too early. for this project i was inspired by the "festive felt wreath" of value village as well as the felt garland project in the book, "handmade home" by amanda soule.

valentine's day wreath

valentine's day wreath:

• 1.5 felted 100% wool sweaters cut into 2x2"(ish) squares (these sweaters were purchased from the project safe thrift store for about $1 each during a bag sale)
• embroidery floss (or whatever you have that's thin enough to be threaded on a kneedle and thick enough not to break. i doubled the floss and it worked very well. fishing line and jewelry wire are some other possibilities)
• needle (whatever size needed, just make sure it will pierce the felt)
• braided yarn tied in a bow (or a bow left over from christmas or some other adornment. i thought knitted cherries would be cute, but wasn't motivated enough to make that happen)

after felting and cutting the sweaters, thread them on embroidery floss (doubled up for strength). tie both ends of the floss together very tightly to form the wreath leaving enough floss to make a loop at the top for hanging. secure yarn bow with floss. enjoy.

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i don't celebrate valentine's day as a romantic holiday (too much pressure for my tastes), but i like the pink and hearts, especially the cinnamon hearts!

it was a silent night...

i've been thinking a lot about what i wanted to write in this blog post, all of which was to be quite profound, but it's just time to put pen to paper (so to speak) and break my blog hiatus. this has been a beautiful and magical and tender and tragic and heartbreaking year. i cannot begin to express my gratitude for the many blessings bestowed on me and my family, the most precious of which is our beautiful baby, david. but i also cannot consider the joys of this year without remembering the loss.

although "the little drummer boy," is my favorite holiday song, "silent night" has been speaking to me this season. i've always heard the line "round yon virgin, mother and child" and assumed it referred to both mary (mother) and jesus (child), but this year it struck me that both mother and child are in reference to mary; jesus gets the next line to himself. why is it that seemingly opposite things so often go together inseparably? parenthood and love and joy and loss have a way of reminding me that while i am powerful and fierce and brave (i gave birth), i am also quite fragile, as are we all. i am both mother and child; both nurturer and one who requires nurturing. these qualities are not separate or independent from one another - they are ever present in all that i do and am. and i have to wonder, in what ways, if any, should this knowledge change the way i understand myself? and because i'm asking the question of me, i'll take a stab at an answer - it should make me more confident and more willing to be interdependent. or maybe some other things. i guess i'm not sure yet.

a couple of weeks ago was the annual christmas hoot (which is my favorite holiday event due to the cathartic nature of joyful group singing). the hoot closes each year with "silent night" and this year a sweet little girl took to the stage for "rudolf the red nosed reindeer" and stayed for the duration. and as she was singing "silent night" and got to the "sleep in heavenly peace" line, my eyes watered up rather unexpectedly. all i could think of was sweet baby martin jones and my dear aunt judy, both of whom passed this year. and my heart is just so heavy. i'm not very religious, but i am somewhat faithful and i do believe that the dead are in heavenly peace. i believe that they are in the arms of a higher power and that they are surrounded by the love and light of their ancestors and my own. and i'm grateful for that faith, but my god, the sadness takes my breath away. and i have so many questions, like how does life move forward? what does healthy grief look like? when is it time for joy?

i suppose the answer is that life moves forward one moment at a time. healthy grief looks like one foot moving in front of the other with lots of breaks for memories and tears. and joy happens whether i mean for it to or not.

i've always been susceptible to grief in times of great joy and i think it's just because, like mary as the mother and child, great joy reminds me that there is also great sadness. my aunt jackie who lost her love and partner, my aunt judy, posted the following to facebook last night and i just want to say, ditto....

However you celebrate the holidays, I am wishing for each of you one that is filled with joy, laughter, peace, and blessings of every sort imaginable. So...imagine away! May you be with friends and family and may your memories of those no longer with you on this Earth be filled with love and gentleness.

and with that i send my love to you and yours, and offer you a lovely rendition of "silent night."