Sunday, August 5, 2012

the only one

we don't live in a place where people air their dirty laundry (or clean laundry) in the street (or back yard). instead, for the most part, everyone smiles, children play, cars are clean, lawns are mowed, flowers bloom, and, in my case, insecurities creep up like vicious mosquitoes (of which we have aplenty), biting before you have a chance to slap them away.

there is a lot of shame and suffering associated with the belief that you are the only one. 

i'm the only one who is lonely.

i'm the only one who resents her husband.

i'm the only one so bitter she can't even make a phone call.

i'm the only one this depressed.

i'm the only one going nowhere in her career.

add in a little...

everyone else is happy.

everyone else is sure of herself.

everyone else sits inside her perfect house smiling at her husband and children feeling content and fulfilled.

what a mess.

transitions are always tough (even good stress is stress), but transitions accompanied with excessively negative and faulty thinking are even worse. and i'm guessing i'm not the only one who has made these mistakes.

******let me put those of you who worry excessively about me (especially when you read my blog postings) at ease. i have changed my ways. i've seen the light. you can put down the phone and finish reading. no need to frantically check in. let's talk soon, but go ahead and get to the end. i'm fine. i swear.*******

so here's the story:

it seems crazy now, but once upon a time i left my job and moved to a land far far away to start a new chapter with my husband, child, and dog. and somewhere between athens and this far off land, i lost my mind and developed the idea that as a stay at home mother and wife my husband must now be my boss.

oh dear god. has anyone else made that mistake?

talk about wrecking your life and marriage with one single thought. bitter, resentful, insecure, ashamed, scared. and these words are only the beginning.

you don't like this meal? = i'm a failure. our baby isn't on a good schedule? = i'm a failure. your gym shorts aren't clean? = i'm a failure. i hate taking the baby to the pool. = failure. fail. fail. fail.


and then one day it wasn't so bad. and then the next day it was a little better. and then i realized that i'm the boss and now life is grand.

jesse can't be my boss. he's my husband and my partner. david can't be the boss. he's a baby and a tyrant and i already had a job working for a baby and a tyrant once and she fired me, so you can see that was no good. and sadie is a sad sack and a sad sack is in no position to be a boss. plus, she's a dog.

so i'm the boss. this works very well. i'm a good boss for me. i give myself lots of positive feedback. i'm very competitive, so i have to give myself challenges and good, constructive feedback. and when i deserve it, i try to make sure i give myself praise: i'm really tip top, a great hire, keep it up, that sort of stuff.

our cars aren't generally clean. our lawn gets mowed sometimes. our laundry doesn't get aired anywhere (but jesse's working on that, but just for clean diapers). we aren't exactly like all our neighbors, but my guess is that they aren't exactly the way i imagine them either.

just because they don't have laundry lines hung in the yard to sun bleach the poop stains from their baby's cloth diapers doesn't mean their babies doen't poop. to imagine it any other way is just silly.

this is not a boss i can take seriously.

 i'm not working for you.

and in the spirit of "the only one," you don't want to miss this....

(good work me. thanks boss.)


  1. May I humbly suggest, that you put the "don't worry, I'm fine" disclaimer closer to the beginning. Like, the first sentence or the title even. I'm so glad you're working it out. It's hard and, in my experience, takes constant revision.