Monday, January 16, 2012

the truth

the other day my mom told me a story.... once upon a time she was a young, single mother of four who had recently woken up to a robber in her bedroom. a few days later she found herself at the dentist explaining to the hygienist, "i can't floss - my house was robbed." she laughed at herself as she told the story. i can just imagine the thoughts going through the hygeinist's mind. after all, crazy lady, what does getting robbed have to do with flossing your teeth? brow furrowed quizzically, what exactly did they steal?

but i so get it. 

my life is wonderful. i am filled with gratitude and awe on a regular basis. but i get it. 

my anxiety has been through the roof lately and it seems to be getting worse. i recently found myself crying at my computer thinking about the flights i will soon be taking to d.c. i usually don't freak out about flying until i am on the plane and it's too late. this premature meltdown isn't a good sign. we went to a cabin with some friends for the weekend and i vowed, seriously, that i will never take another unmedicated trip that requires ANY mountainous driving (or passengering, as it were and always is). i know i have every reason to be a bit more stressed out these days. i am facing 4 months of single mothering followed by a move 600 miles from home. these are stressful things, but debilitating? no. they shouldn't be debilitating.

but here's the thing -- i don't want to do any work to get better. i feel like i already do enough. i see a therapist. i work out. i eat reasonably well. i have good relationships. my mental health should be fine. i don't want to do anything more. 

what do i want? i want drugs. i want something magical to fix me. i want to be a normal person and let things go. my aforementioned therapist likes to offer suggestions - have you considered meditation? do you want to try tapping therapy? you can do yoga on the plane. take a deep breath - how does that make your body feel? there's a website you can go to to learn about blah blah blah. but i just don't want to. i'm not saying i won't, but damn if it doesn't feel good to just admit that right now, i'm just not willing.

so i get it. your house was robbed - you can't floss your teeth.

but my mom still brushed her teeth. i bet she brushed twice everyday. she didn't give up completely and neither will i.

as my husband says, the good thing about parenting is that you only have to do it one day at a time. when i look at the whole picture, it's just too much. but when i look at today, well, i can do today. i can even like most of today. so as unwilling as i am to do any "work" on myself, i am totally willing to do all the things that today requires and i am even willing to enjoy a good portion of them. 

but i'm not going to floss.

and speaking of teeth, this little guy has FOUR!!!

1 comment:

  1. Oh mama. I have so been there. It gets better. It usually gets a little worse first. But then, better.

    Hugs to you.